How do I start dealing with myself when I find out that I am still learning things about myself everyday?
I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew everything about myself.
But turns out, nope.
As I marched forward from my job and leapt to an unknown place, I carried everything with me: my passion, my energies, my soul.
Only when I discovered that while it means that I put in my 100% in my work,
it also means that there is 0% left of me.
What's left, after I peel away the layers of work and work and work?
What's left when work has ended and when you're all alone by yourself?
That explains why, after work, the urge to rush to somewhere to do something, with someone.
I have forgotten the essence of self-care.
What do I like? Things that I really really like? Things that I do without feeling like I am wasting time? Things that sing to my soul?
The chase of something represents a missing part of me, something I thought that I would find in someone, something, somewhere.
But all along, it is inside me - something that I have to hone, nurture, cultivate.
Something that is resistant and undisturbed to the external forces of people, everyday happenings, everyday work life, everyday friends and colleagues, everyday news.
I have been trying to practise the art of detachment more than ever to objectively view and assess myself, my thoughts, my feelings. And I would say that this feeling of being alone, strikes me as being vulnerable, being naked, being exposed. Though it is liberating, the sense of fear is there.
And, I want to be okay with it.
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