Before Sunrise

I watched this show after hearing C talk about it for the umpteenth time.

This is the first show where I fall in love with every single sentence they speak.

It seemed like the directors or producers were producing a show from their very own personal experience.

They showed the genuine, mundane worries and random thoughts in a beautiful way I never thought could be.

Why does it seem like they have it all thought out-that actually everything comes down to nothing?

Loneliness

Everyone is lonely in one way or another, don't you think?

But its how they choose to see it, or spend their time differently that makes the difference.

I have not been independent for a long, long time.

On the external, I look like I am. But inside, I am like this sponge that upon receiving something, grows bigger and bigger, until it consumes itself.

I am not ok, but i want to be ok with it.

How do I start dealing with myself when I find out that I am still learning things about myself everyday?

I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew everything about myself.
But turns out, nope.

As I marched forward from my job and leapt to an unknown place, I carried everything with me: my passion, my energies, my soul.

Only when I discovered that while it means that I put in my 100% in my work,
it also means that there is 0% left of me.
What's left, after I peel away the layers of work and work and work?
What's left when work has ended and when you're all alone by yourself?

That explains why, after work, the urge to rush to somewhere to do something, with someone.

I have forgotten the essence of self-care.

What do I like? Things that I really really like? Things that I do without feeling like I am wasting time? Things that sing to my soul?

The chase of something represents a missing part of me, something I thought that I would find in someone, something, somewhere.

But all along, it is inside me - something that I have to hone, nurture, cultivate.

Something that is resistant and undisturbed to the external forces of people, everyday happenings, everyday work life, everyday friends and colleagues, everyday news.

I have been trying to practise the art of detachment more than ever to objectively view and assess myself, my thoughts, my feelings. And  I would say that this feeling of being alone, strikes me as being vulnerable, being naked, being exposed. Though it is liberating, the sense of fear is there.
And, I want to be okay with it.

You were my safe space. But I chose to leave.

At this phase of life where I am, it is time where I want to come to terms with... myself.

You were my safe space for a good 4.5 years.

We braved through thick and thins, all weather; good or bad, snowy or sunny.

You were always there for me, a well of words, a blanket of comfort.

A space where I went to when I felt lower than the dumps, a space I went to to share my ultimate joys.

But yet I wanted more, and I was taking you for granted.

I wanted to want you all the time. I didn't want love to become a commitment; or a chore, for all it was.

I loved you deeply and through. But I wanted more... 

I wanted to feel excited when I see you, I want to feel happy and in love.

I did not want to be unfair to you, nor myself.

I did not want to waste any more time of yours, nor mine.

That was why, I chose to leave.

I think I left in a slipshod manner, kind of in a hurry.

The silhouette of what we had still stands there in time, in the most hidden corners of me. 

Something hiding, something present, yet.. it isnt.

Sometimes, most of the times actually, I feel like I need to go somewhere, be with someone, to do something.

Then I realise that I have taken this path.

And, I want to be okay with being alone, sometimes doing nothing, and being okay with myself; without a desire to want to rush off to somewhere, to do something, or be with someone.

And so this journey starts.

And I wish myself luck.