It is a feeling as if a part of my soul is being immaculately sliced apart, taken out, and given a good, hard spanking.
Slowly and carefully, the slice of soul is then placed back into the body, and being patted to make it feel whole again.
And the process repeats over.

Nobody said it would be easy.

/I'll be stronger by the time this ends, and better.

music lifts us up

Burnt hours and hours trying to get used to the fast rhythm till our fingers were cramped and backs aching from 4-5 hours per day practising for the last few weeks. Though I didn't play all my notes during the concert, I can say I truly enjoyed myself, and couldn't help smiling especially at the last song where I felt everyone, both winds and chamber, coming together in unity. For once in a long while, I felt like my heart was lifted up again through music. It's even better when we know some people even went home to watch the movie Spirited Away after our concert. It's where we know, our music has touched the lives of some people (at least). Thankful for our exco members, planners and organisers who made everything possible.  #chambermusic#chamberensemble

Serve

Easter eggs topped with pom poms for the elderly at the day care. Serves as a reminder. To lead, you must first serve. To serve, you must first have passion. To have passion, you must feel, and love.

-

Standing beside the Parliament House, the surrounding buildings looked especially grey and dull. I felt like they were maybe mourning for our nation too. It annoys me when people ask me what I did for that 10s in the hall after queuing for 6 hours. Do you not get that it's not the time inside VS time queuing? It's the thoughts you hold in your heart as you bow down to him, just showing your appreciation and gratefulness to him who have served us for his life. Times like this I just feel.. raw and numb. Thank you Mr Lee. You'll always be in our thoughts. I hope you feel the love overpouring from us, for we are grateful for every single day! Let's stay together, united and harmonious.

thankyouLKY

No matter how much we may lament about how competitive or hectic our society is, I'll always remember how you managed, with Mrs Lee, to alleviate this little island to a booming, first world country today. Without you, we wouldn't have efficient transport systems, gardens(albeit small), an alleviated quality and standard of living, just to name a few. You've been a great father to Singapore and of course, home is always home. The sweet feeling of home. Thank you for giving us what we have today, and thank you for everything you've contributed. Your legend will go on and on and on. #thankyouLKY#weloveLKY (Pic credit to Yale Nus)

Life and death. 
Reading stories on Mr Lee Kuan Yew.
Funny how life still goes on, and I know it has to. How life has to proceed; people going to work, student rushing for submissions, fashionistas raving about the latest fashion trends, youngsters blogging about the latest hairstyles. Funny how the passing of someone so important, to some people, be like the passing by of car on the road, or a flower swaying in the wind. 
I know life has to go on. I am, too. 
But life is funny aint it?

for all the skcuf

will you love me, even with my dark side?

Everyone fucks up in in some parts of their lives. Be it once, twice or a few.
As I write this, I know my life is still in a frenzy. It's (sometimes really not) ok, 
I guess.

I know I am a person whose words can hurt others easily, without even intending to. 

2015 hasn't exactly been a great start honestly, but I am OK with that.
I have learnt to take things in my stride, possibly because of me being cautious all the time. but hey, don't everyone do that? They build walls to protect themselves to prevent themselves from getting scarred again, and I'm not an exception. 

Sometimes because you love something so much and after getting hurt, you don't want to try again. Because I am like this too.

But I guess the most important part after all this is not to resist the things that come/happen.
I may hate myself for things I didnt mean to do, and surrendering will  be hard.
Bad thoughts may come back to haunt. 
Let it be. Let it come and overwhelm you. Cry it out and take a break. 
Let the thoughts kill you once. Chide yourself and hate yourself maybe.

But of course you'll still have to live on, because I always believed in things happening for a reason all the time.
Let go of all the things you've disliked about yourself, because no one can love themselves so fully after a series of fuck-ups. You can think about the bad things you've done. But let go. Forgive.
People may have been let down by you. They may matter but the reason you're not going after them is probably because you've made yourself cold and hard so that they won't matter. But deep down you know they still do.

I've become a criminal of my own cold actions and I know I need to change. Somehow. Maybe I shouldn't keep asking:
Why certain things are like that, why I am like that, why people differ.


Rough happenings occur gives you tumultous, overwhelming feelings and sometimes you feel like you're drowning in it.
Surrender and let go.
Cuz afterawhile I realise they may not be so important after all.
When bonds are unbreakable, your heart will tell you so.

L

A Purpose

Disclaimer: Do not continue reading if you do not want to feel depressed.

I've forgotten how it feels like to wake up feeling refreshed, energetic, eager to start the day.
I've forgotten how it feels like to look forward going to school after a holiday.
I've forgotten how to mix around among other people, friends without feeling tired.
I've forgotten how to feel like to laugh loudly in school.
I've forgotten how it feels like to engage in meaningful conversations with people, be it about life, or work.
I've forgotten how I used to be able to stay in school all the time without having to shun people or coop up in my own nest.

Everyone seems to have their own goal, and in some, I even see some sort of fire in their eyes.
I wish I have that too.
But looking at the work I have to face, or the type of work I have to do, I trudge.

I do wish I have courage to get myself out of this situation, I really do.

Then again, what do I want?

Does everyone know what they really want?
Do they all want to do something related to the major they are doing?
Are they happy?

I am sorry, but I know I am not the ideal student in this society; the ideal student who can do everything well despite it not being what they want.

I need a purpose.

Feeling like quitting.
What am I doing with my time?
when it can be used on more important things?
Helping those who need help around the world. Or helping others impact in their world.
Is it important to be rich and well known in this word?
Is that all it is?