As I jogged in the cooless around the basketball court, tears welled up in my eyes, rolling down my cheeks as I ran under the coconut trees.
I felt safe. Like I could be myself. Where I don't have to be strong. Nor have to put a front like I am a heroine. I gave a silent thank you to the trees watching down on me.
As I went about the curved stones pavement, a couple was sitting in the dark by the playground.
I felt a tinge of envy - having a close, intimate conversation in the dark, fingers intertwined with each other. What are they talking about? Insecurities? Fear? I wouldn't know. But I would have loved to do this with someone.
To be able to bare all your insecurities, your fears, your aspirations to someone who understands you, who embraces you, is willing, and is on the journey with you. In my head, I wished them best of luck, and I hope they are truly happy.
I was back at the side of the basketball court when the music I was listening to reached the chorus. More tears streamed down as I started down the slope. A woman stood by at the side of the grass. I hoped my tears on my cheeks looked like perspiration. I continued my look of resolution and continued my path.
Sunday, February 9, 2020
Sunday, December 22, 2019
Before Sunrise
I watched this show after hearing C talk about it for the umpteenth time.
This is the first show where I fall in love with every single sentence they speak.
It seemed like the directors or producers were producing a show from their very own personal experience.
They showed the genuine, mundane worries and random thoughts in a beautiful way I never thought could be.
Why does it seem like they have it all thought out-that actually everything comes down to nothing?
Loneliness
Everyone is lonely in one way or another, don't you think?
But its how they choose to see it, or spend their time differently that makes the difference.
I have not been independent for a long, long time.
On the external, I look like I am. But inside, I am like this sponge that upon receiving something, grows bigger and bigger, until it consumes itself.
But its how they choose to see it, or spend their time differently that makes the difference.
I have not been independent for a long, long time.
On the external, I look like I am. But inside, I am like this sponge that upon receiving something, grows bigger and bigger, until it consumes itself.
Friday, September 27, 2019
I am not ok, but i want to be ok with it.
How do I start dealing with myself when I find out that I am still learning things about myself everyday?
I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew everything about myself.
But turns out, nope.
As I marched forward from my job and leapt to an unknown place, I carried everything with me: my passion, my energies, my soul.
Only when I discovered that while it means that I put in my 100% in my work,
it also means that there is 0% left of me.
What's left, after I peel away the layers of work and work and work?
What's left when work has ended and when you're all alone by yourself?
That explains why, after work, the urge to rush to somewhere to do something, with someone.
I have forgotten the essence of self-care.
What do I like? Things that I really really like? Things that I do without feeling like I am wasting time? Things that sing to my soul?
The chase of something represents a missing part of me, something I thought that I would find in someone, something, somewhere.
But all along, it is inside me - something that I have to hone, nurture, cultivate.
Something that is resistant and undisturbed to the external forces of people, everyday happenings, everyday work life, everyday friends and colleagues, everyday news.
I have been trying to practise the art of detachment more than ever to objectively view and assess myself, my thoughts, my feelings. And I would say that this feeling of being alone, strikes me as being vulnerable, being naked, being exposed. Though it is liberating, the sense of fear is there.
And, I want to be okay with it.
I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew everything about myself.
But turns out, nope.
As I marched forward from my job and leapt to an unknown place, I carried everything with me: my passion, my energies, my soul.
Only when I discovered that while it means that I put in my 100% in my work,
it also means that there is 0% left of me.
What's left, after I peel away the layers of work and work and work?
What's left when work has ended and when you're all alone by yourself?
That explains why, after work, the urge to rush to somewhere to do something, with someone.
I have forgotten the essence of self-care.
What do I like? Things that I really really like? Things that I do without feeling like I am wasting time? Things that sing to my soul?
The chase of something represents a missing part of me, something I thought that I would find in someone, something, somewhere.
But all along, it is inside me - something that I have to hone, nurture, cultivate.
Something that is resistant and undisturbed to the external forces of people, everyday happenings, everyday work life, everyday friends and colleagues, everyday news.
I have been trying to practise the art of detachment more than ever to objectively view and assess myself, my thoughts, my feelings. And I would say that this feeling of being alone, strikes me as being vulnerable, being naked, being exposed. Though it is liberating, the sense of fear is there.
And, I want to be okay with it.
You were my safe space. But I chose to leave.
At this phase of life where I am, it is time where I want to come to terms with... myself.
You were my safe space for a good 4.5 years.
We braved through thick and thins, all weather; good or bad, snowy or sunny.
You were always there for me, a well of words, a blanket of comfort.
A space where I went to when I felt lower than the dumps, a space I went to to share my ultimate joys.
But yet I wanted more, and I was taking you for granted.
I wanted to want you all the time. I didn't want love to become a commitment; or a chore, for all it was.
I loved you deeply and through. But I wanted more...
I wanted to feel excited when I see you, I want to feel happy and in love.
I did not want to be unfair to you, nor myself.
I did not want to waste any more time of yours, nor mine.
That was why, I chose to leave.
I think I left in a slipshod manner, kind of in a hurry.
The silhouette of what we had still stands there in time, in the most hidden corners of me.
Something hiding, something present, yet.. it isnt.
Sometimes, most of the times actually, I feel like I need to go somewhere, be with someone, to do something.
Then I realise that I have taken this path.
And, I want to be okay with being alone, sometimes doing nothing, and being okay with myself; without a desire to want to rush off to somewhere, to do something, or be with someone.
And so this journey starts.
And I wish myself luck.
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Back to Ground 0.
"I didn't know I was slowly, unconsciously; but surely damaged.
You picked me up when I was in pieces.
Day by day, you painstakingly stitched up the confused parts - the parts that make me.
The parts, though broken, formed something beautiful.
It hinted of a beautiful ending.
Though the broken lines could be seen under a bright sun light, it brought out a vague, promising picture I never knew exisited.
You never complained though the parts seem to never end.
At times, you prick yourself. You stop, but you urge yourself to continue.
You believe that the end will be beautiful.
However, the seasons change.
The same wind is now blowing. The wind that brought us together.
But this time it blows in the other direction.
The stitched parts that you painstakingly sewed seem to falter in the wind.
Some fall broken to the ground, scraping the surface unwillingly, before coming to a stop.
You hold the remaining pieces of me in your hand."
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
0.5
"Today I woke up a little later than usual.
I sat in the living room and waited for the morning to sink in.
My half opened laptop sat on my study table, with the late morning light streaming in.
It suddenly brought me back to days when I had to force myself up from the living room cushion at 630 in the morning to squeeze out something for C.
I remember the dread (and slight fear of not being able to produce) and the pure tiredness that filled my body. I remember the bright orange light from the table lamp shining on my laptop screen, I would be frantically clicking at my screen.
I see myself hunched over the laptop in the darkness (all except from the laptop and table lamp), and awhile later, I would be slouched over the table, head in my arms, laptop screen still, no clicking sounds.
Everyone in the family would have left for work hours later, while I slept.
At about 8, I would get up (again) from the sofa, cursing, swearing and hating myself.
My sister would see me and say, you should have slept in the room instead. Isn't this worse.
I've come back to reality.
I am out of that phase.
That phase of trying to have my own style, yet restricted by comments.
I took them to me, to my work.
Now, I won't let them affect me anymore.
And no, I don't want to go back to those days.
Those days of sheer criticisms, condescending remarks, and living like a pathetic soul."
- Excerpt 0.5
I sat in the living room and waited for the morning to sink in.
My half opened laptop sat on my study table, with the late morning light streaming in.
It suddenly brought me back to days when I had to force myself up from the living room cushion at 630 in the morning to squeeze out something for C.
I remember the dread (and slight fear of not being able to produce) and the pure tiredness that filled my body. I remember the bright orange light from the table lamp shining on my laptop screen, I would be frantically clicking at my screen.
I see myself hunched over the laptop in the darkness (all except from the laptop and table lamp), and awhile later, I would be slouched over the table, head in my arms, laptop screen still, no clicking sounds.
Everyone in the family would have left for work hours later, while I slept.
At about 8, I would get up (again) from the sofa, cursing, swearing and hating myself.
My sister would see me and say, you should have slept in the room instead. Isn't this worse.
I've come back to reality.
I am out of that phase.
That phase of trying to have my own style, yet restricted by comments.
I took them to me, to my work.
Now, I won't let them affect me anymore.
And no, I don't want to go back to those days.
Those days of sheer criticisms, condescending remarks, and living like a pathetic soul."
- Excerpt 0.5
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
She Was Pretty
Inspired by an episode of a korean drama (She Was Pretty) whilst watching it today.
When you do something that you really want to do,
that's when you're really beautiful.
I want to be beautiful too.
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Inner Peace
Hi blogger，
things have really not been going well lately.
Its one of the first times I've felt so much frustration in a group work, where about >50% of our group mates at our age can actually be more responsible, as well as have a deeper sense of time and urgency. I understand we all have different commitments, but there should still be a kind of responsibility individually in a group.
The previous week I've had my eye swollen, and had to recuperate at home for six days because of infection and pus.
And of course..
neverending deadlines as always.
things have really not been going well lately.
Its one of the first times I've felt so much frustration in a group work, where about >50% of our group mates at our age can actually be more responsible, as well as have a deeper sense of time and urgency. I understand we all have different commitments, but there should still be a kind of responsibility individually in a group.
The previous week I've had my eye swollen, and had to recuperate at home for six days because of infection and pus.
And of course..
neverending deadlines as always.
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Gray matter
you're the stars in my skies of bleakness.
Term 9, week 9, day 4.
At the end of the day, you're still the one you have to face when you sleep at night.
You're the one whom you've to stay true in the end.
These few weeks pretty had me staying back in school 2-3 nights a week, where we would sleep under the studio table (for me I would have my head a little jutted out under the table, I feel claustrophobic.) i didn't wear my long pants at night and actually woke up in the middle of the night shivering; and a few more times after that. How silly.
Once or twice during the presentations, I could really hear my heartbeat pulsating through my ears. I'm impressed of how anxious I could actually be. The feeling of wanting to take the first step out of your comfort zone, putting a few toe steps forward, then going back again, then falling forward, and back again. I think I didn't really fulfil my own expectations. But y told me it's ok, I should give myself some time.
Sometimes I wonder how I became someone I couldn't really understand.
Though I wish some times I could channel such thoughts into really doing my work.
But time and again I cannot help but wonder about this heart and brain of mine, which are always taking swords and trying to slash each other, then going back into their almost surreal shells of their own lives.
Ok I shall end now, though really (most of the time) incoherently.
Term 9, week 9, day 4.
At the end of the day, you're still the one you have to face when you sleep at night.
You're the one whom you've to stay true in the end.
These few weeks pretty had me staying back in school 2-3 nights a week, where we would sleep under the studio table (for me I would have my head a little jutted out under the table, I feel claustrophobic.) i didn't wear my long pants at night and actually woke up in the middle of the night shivering; and a few more times after that. How silly.
Once or twice during the presentations, I could really hear my heartbeat pulsating through my ears. I'm impressed of how anxious I could actually be. The feeling of wanting to take the first step out of your comfort zone, putting a few toe steps forward, then going back again, then falling forward, and back again. I think I didn't really fulfil my own expectations. But y told me it's ok, I should give myself some time.
Sometimes I wonder how I became someone I couldn't really understand.
Though I wish some times I could channel such thoughts into really doing my work.
But time and again I cannot help but wonder about this heart and brain of mine, which are always taking swords and trying to slash each other, then going back into their almost surreal shells of their own lives.
Ok I shall end now, though really (most of the time) incoherently.
Friday, March 18, 2016
I'm still growing up
Growing up woes.
I think I'm still growing up everyday.
Like how a kid in primary school goes through six years and then go through secondary school and puberty that sort of thing.
I think I'm very much making sense.
This week is honestly one of the most not smooth sailing weeks so far. Ok I must admit it was bad. I'm tired of judgements, comparison, and hurtful things people say.
And whereby tutors cannot differentiate when one has done work or when one doesn't.
Ok I sound like a kid complaining.
While many flourish and find themselves loving school and loving what they do, on the other hand I feel like Uni life can very much be one of the reasons that can kill your soul and spirit. Trying to ignite "creativity", but really it's all a an image, a representation, a package, of who talks better, who smokes more, and who produces more drawings instead of the thought of what goes behind.
Time and again I ask myself, even at this stage.
Why am I doing this again? Putting myself on the slaughter slab.
Uni life presented all sorts of People into my life, in this tiny school environment. Teachers, critics, guest Lecturers, friends, school mates, administrative Clerks.
All of which has so far made an impact, both good and bad in my life.
5 years later from now, will I be thinking the same thing?
I think I'm still growing up everyday.
Like how a kid in primary school goes through six years and then go through secondary school and puberty that sort of thing.
I think I'm very much making sense.
This week is honestly one of the most not smooth sailing weeks so far. Ok I must admit it was bad. I'm tired of judgements, comparison, and hurtful things people say.
And whereby tutors cannot differentiate when one has done work or when one doesn't.
Ok I sound like a kid complaining.
While many flourish and find themselves loving school and loving what they do, on the other hand I feel like Uni life can very much be one of the reasons that can kill your soul and spirit. Trying to ignite "creativity", but really it's all a an image, a representation, a package, of who talks better, who smokes more, and who produces more drawings instead of the thought of what goes behind.
Time and again I ask myself, even at this stage.
Why am I doing this again? Putting myself on the slaughter slab.
Uni life presented all sorts of People into my life, in this tiny school environment. Teachers, critics, guest Lecturers, friends, school mates, administrative Clerks.
All of which has so far made an impact, both good and bad in my life.
5 years later from now, will I be thinking the same thing?
Sunday, March 13, 2016
movin on
Hi Blogger.
So long no write.
This of school has just ended. It is actually supposed to be "Recess Week" really, but nope it isn't, with the huge amount of work.
Having been out of my comfort zone so far.
I guess I shouldnt complain. Because I've chosen this route.
I have met new people, and really am thankful for some of these new characters I've met, and there's so much to learn from their attitude and the way they do things. Fearless of any challenges, passionate, but still so nice.
Of course, on the other side, I've also met some other people of which I feel sometimes I feel like I'm participating in the Hunger Games. I know its like the last year already and some are just really goal oriented. But seeing how some people want to reach that goal of having all As is really quite scary sometimes. Their horrendous side appears, and they shoot anyone who comes in their way, and partner people who will bring them higher.
I am not saying it is wrong to be with people who lift you higher, but you can still be nice to others instead of treating them beyond shitballs.
Of course, while there are always giving ones, there are also selfish ones, which I don't even wish to talk about. Just observing by behaviour and actions, and the words they say, they scare me.
Ciao.
So long no write.
This of school has just ended. It is actually supposed to be "Recess Week" really, but nope it isn't, with the huge amount of work.
Having been out of my comfort zone so far.
I guess I shouldnt complain. Because I've chosen this route.
I have met new people, and really am thankful for some of these new characters I've met, and there's so much to learn from their attitude and the way they do things. Fearless of any challenges, passionate, but still so nice.
Of course, on the other side, I've also met some other people of which I feel sometimes I feel like I'm participating in the Hunger Games. I know its like the last year already and some are just really goal oriented. But seeing how some people want to reach that goal of having all As is really quite scary sometimes. Their horrendous side appears, and they shoot anyone who comes in their way, and partner people who will bring them higher.
I am not saying it is wrong to be with people who lift you higher, but you can still be nice to others instead of treating them beyond shitballs.
Of course, while there are always giving ones, there are also selfish ones, which I don't even wish to talk about. Just observing by behaviour and actions, and the words they say, they scare me.
Ciao.
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Sometimes in my brain
I think of random words
Like
Shutthefuckup
When things I don't want to think of
Flashes past my head
Am I weird?
Unhappy things run through the mind constantly
Am I on the way I want my life to be
Am I happy?
Can I do anything about it?
I just want to be happy
But they say only when you stop looking for happiness
Or something you've always been looking for
It comes to you.
Is it true?
I think of random words
Like
Shutthefuckup
When things I don't want to think of
Flashes past my head
Am I weird?
Unhappy things run through the mind constantly
Am I on the way I want my life to be
Am I happy?
Can I do anything about it?
I just want to be happy
But they say only when you stop looking for happiness
Or something you've always been looking for
It comes to you.
Is it true?
a musuem of broken parts
Writing something isn't easy.
Writing something from the deepest depths of yourself requires a long time breaking apart the components, segregating them, analysing and pondering over each element, then mixing them all up again.
Then you think about your respective thoughts and emotions.
Then you try to break them down into smaller digestible bites, enough to be comprehended.
After which, you break down each bite again, and analyse them through microscopes.
I think that's what's missing.
Writing something from the deepest depths of yourself requires a long time breaking apart the components, segregating them, analysing and pondering over each element, then mixing them all up again.
Then you think about your respective thoughts and emotions.
Then you try to break them down into smaller digestible bites, enough to be comprehended.
After which, you break down each bite again, and analyse them through microscopes.
I think that's what's missing.
Take me on
In a different dimension, there exists a different me.
The different me who could think act work play and be nice all at the same time.
The different me who is independent and strong.
The different me who is courageous, brave; unafraid to pursue anything in the world.
The different me who is fearless and ready to take on anything.
The different me, who would pursue anything the heart says.
But that's just in another dimension.
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Saturday, April 11, 2015
music lifts us up
Burnt hours and hours trying to get used to the fast rhythm till our fingers were cramped and backs aching from 4-5 hours per day practising for the last few weeks. Though I didn't play all my notes during the concert, I can say I truly enjoyed myself, and couldn't help smiling especially at the last song where I felt everyone, both winds and chamber, coming together in unity. For once in a long while, I felt like my heart was lifted up again through music. It's even better when we know some people even went home to watch the movie Spirited Away after our concert. It's where we know, our music has touched the lives of some people (at least). Thankful for our exco members, planners and organisers who made everything possible. #chambermusic#chamberensemble
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Serve
Easter eggs topped with pom poms for the elderly at the day care. Serves as a reminder. To lead, you must first serve. To serve, you must first have passion. To have passion, you must feel, and love.
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